The Konformist

KON4M 99
July 1999

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Kirby The Konspiracy Boy, RIP

Oh No! They've Killed Kirby!!

Konspiracy Theories

Thanks to readers of The Konformist, numerous Kirby Konspiracy theories have begun circulating. Here are the best, with the pros and con of each theory.

 

Theory Number One

Dear Robalini,

Kirby was killed on July 4, 1999 near Area 51 as part of a ritual sacrifice to the Elder Gods. He was then whisked away on a Pleasure Saucer attended by 500 Sex Goddesses and rematerialized in Sherman, NY to be re-killed by "Bob" on July 5, 1998 at 7 am for the Church of the SubGenius Double Cross (XX Day).

That's all I'm allowed to say at this time.

peace and slack,

Edwin Johnston, the bobbysattva (edi@iah.com)

PRO

It certainly is plausible: according to researcher Preston Nichols, the technology for such a feat does exist.

CON

The Church of the SubGenius has long been a friend of Kirby, and many believe Kirby is the second coming of Bob. Why kill their new Messiah?

 

Theory Number Two

Rob:

Immediately after reading that Kirby was dead, I raised my Kirby cup - filled with green tea - and toasted one of the more meaningful icons in my life.

What killed him? Too much "attention" from some very attractive,voluptuous blondes with a big "appetite." They literally sucked the life out of the young and eager Kirby. What else could it be?

Kathy Kasten (KKASTEN@pathology.medsch.ucla.edu)

PRO

We're for any theory that allows us to repost pictures of former Konformist Konspiracy Girls Savannah Lee and Rachel Warren. The intelligence field has long used pretty women as a bait for operations. And it sure is a great way to go.

CON

Aw, look at the two of them. They wouldn't hurt any man, would they?

 

Theory Number Three

It was that CIA poisoned mug he was on so long....

SMiles (elfis@austin.rr.com)

 

And, from an unnamed source:

Kirby was the co-pilot and navigator for Barry Seal when he was running drugs and money for the CIA. When Barry was killed Kirby took over and continued the operation. Everything moved to Area 51 after Mena shut down. Kirby was killed while on a training mission with the extra-terrestrials brought in by the Feds. This is somewhat surprising since Kirby was meticulous when it came to flying. The fact is, Kirby knew too much and he became a liability to the government. Just like Barry, he was sacrificed. Sounds silly? You be the judge.

PRO

Kirby has long been one of the harshest critics of The CIA and George Bush. Enough was enough.

CON

The CIA denies any role in the death of Kirby.

 

Theory Number Four

Scott2@mediaone.net

You Bastards!

YOU had Kirby killed just so you could estimate the size of your market for your alien sponsors at the NSA. How could you be so cold and evil?

PRO

Nobody benefits more from Kirby's death than The Konformist. Follow the money.

CON

Even The Konformist isn't that cynical, is it?

 

Theory Number Five

From Stick153

Axl Rose did it.

PRO

Certainly psychotic enough to do it, and may explain his mysterious disappearance as rock's most infamous recluse, as well as the recent cover story on him in Spin Magazine.

CON

Face it, Axl's a wuss. Kirby would laugh at him.

 

Theory Number Six

MJNET.COM

It's easy as ABC

From: Sean Ryan

Michael Jackson the singer died many years ago. However, because he was such a money-maker his demise was covered-up and a replacement found. To avoid the difficulty of locating an exact Jackson duplicate, a stand-in was discovered who would hide his face while in public, undergo frequent plastic surgery and gradually change his skin color from black to white. Kirby knew all this. He had just completed a series of interviews with a certain chimp once close to Jackson but now able to betray the impostor. The chimp had been trained, at Jackson's expense, by a research team to communicate in English.

PRO

Explains the bizarre self-destruction of the perverted "King of Pop" better than any other story presented. Also, Kirby is definitely MJ's type.

CON

Kirby was no dummy. He wouldn't go anywhere near Michael at his age.

 

More Kirby Konspiracy Theories:

Thoughts on Kirby

Bill Brumbaugh

The Truth About Kirby's Death

Scott Rose

Sob, Poor Kirby

Frank Schnabel

 

Oh No! They've Killed Kirby!!

New Konformist Ikons

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Kirby The Konspiracy Boy Says, "I NEED 2 KONFORM!!!"