I write this reluctantly after recovering from several days of severe depression in regard to the death of Kirby. Several of us were advised this might happen, as so many cutting edge investigators seem to go the way of the dodo recently. However...
The circles I run in had reported that Madeline Albright had a thing for Kirby. I am sure this is due both to the intelligent manners and suave good looks of Kirby, and also because Kirby is one of the only people on EARTH who is shorter than our stub-her-nose-on-a-curb spokes-lady.
Just before the rash of very odd high school shootings, Madeline Albright took to wearing a pendant, which inside sources have shared is a Monarch butterfly. Questions have arisen in regard to the potential relationship of this symbol, the Monarch mind control project, and the crazed actions of these psycho-therapeutic drugged high school kids.
Madeline is no longer sporting this little insect charm. Ms. Albright may have given Kirby her beloved Butterfly pendant as a momento of a brief but spurious interlude. While recovering from a world class hangover, Kirby slipped the butterfly into his jeans, perhaps hoping to hock it for enough money to get drunk enough to forget not only his not-so-bright encounter, but perhaps his name as well.
Furious Serbian hackers have wrecked havoc with our GPS as they cracked Pentagon codes (or perhaps they phoned the Chinese who handed them the codes right after we bombed their embassy). These Serbian cyber warriors may have secured a link to one of six U.S. spaced based weapons platforms. Then, utilizing our own technology, honed in on Albright's butterfly pendant and discharged a rail gun to punch a basketball sized hole in wearer of this pendant.
Kirby was the victim of a international conspiracy, but was the wrong target. Oh Kirby, if only you had been wearing your contacts lenses and not drank those eleven shots of Cuervo Gold, you might have avoided Albright and lived to see your face on another coffee mug..
In case the footage of the funeral is ever released, keep your eyes open for a small dwarfish female figure wearing Minnie Pearl glasses who may be standing in the background, running her fingers over her blouse where a jeweled butterfly pendant used to hang.
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Kirby The Konspiracy Boy Says, "I NEED 2 KONFORM!!!"