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Beast of the Month - August 2002
Ann Coulter, Mouth-Foaming Right-Wing Bimbo
"I yam an anti-Christ..."
John Lydon (aka Johnny Rotten) of The Sex Pistols, "Anarchy in the UK"
A thoughtful Ann Coulter after 9-11 in the National Review.
Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who is the most repulsively inflammatory right-wing mouthpiece after 9-11 of them all? Is it David Horowitz, who has transformed from a deranged left-wing ideologue in the sixties to a deranged right-wing ideologue today without missing a beat? (So easily, in fact, that some wonder if he was just a right-wing provocateur all along working for the FBI.) Nope. Is it Andrew Sullivan, the former editor of The New Republic, whose only deviation from a frighteningly reactionary agenda is when it comes to his own deviant perversity as a flaming homosexual? Sorry. No, the answer to that question is Ann Coulter, The Konformist Beast of the Month, a woman so loathsome in presentation that she could actually make sorority-girl-from-hell Katie Couric worth cheering after she ripped on Coulter in a recent Today Show appearance.
In July, her new book, titled Slander: Liberal Lies About the American Right, topped the best-seller lists of both The New York Times and Amazon.com. Its premise - that liberals engage in dishonest smears of poor oppressed conservatives (who can't get their message out in a fair manner) - was a provocative spin on the familiar "liberal media bias" claim. Even more than Rush Limbaugh or other conservative shills from the past, she argues that the supposed liberalism in the media is not only an ideological orthodoxy, but also a sinister plot by those who hate America.
Although she had earlier success as part of the "Vast Right Wing Conspiracy" against Bill Clinton (she wrote a bestseller titled High Crimes and Misdemeanors, which presented her version of the case for a Klintonian impeachment) and the right-wing blowhards who pushed to legitimize the Bush Mob's illegal occupation, she had temporarily become an embarrassment to many in the right following 9-11. Besides her declaration to invade Arab nations and "convert them to Christianity," she was fired from the National Review after writing another column where she referred to "swarthy males" as being the group who deserved suspicion at airports, as compared to blonde females (coincidentally) like her. After the firing, Coulter charged that National Review editors were "girly-boys," and her critics "anti-Christian bigots." (Some suspect that her firing was not because what she said was so disagreeable, but merely it was too overt in stating what conservatives prefer to exploit via subtext.) This hardly stopped her: during the media frenzy surrounding John Walker Lindh, she declared, "We need to execute people like John Walker in order to physically intimidate liberals, by making them realize that they can be killed, too. Otherwise, they will turn out to be outright traitors." (And these are merely some of her greatest hits in offensive rhetoric.)
With the success of her book, predictably, there have been many critics, which have noted that most of her claims in the book are based on blatant distortions of evidence and outright lies. Her most noted critics include Mediawhoresonline.com (which is quickly becoming the leading site in pointing out the kreepy vileness of Team Shrub) and Scoobie Davis. Of particular note is her attempt to portray "liberals" (i.e. anybody who doesn't share her scary vision) as rich elitists: Coulter, it turns out, comes from a well-heeled family in Connecticut.
While these deep analyses of her work are worth reading as a counterpoint, for the purposes of The Konformist BOTM prize, we have decided to focus on the bigger picture. And that bigger picture is this question: why the hell is anyone even bothering listening to this shrill, annoying and untalented bitch in the first place?
After all, say what you will about the thesis behind Bernard Goldberg's recent bestseller Bias (who also alleged a liberal bias in the corporate media) but there's little question it was well written and persuasive. This was a book that demanded a response from those who disagreed with it, and every criticism that was made against it was deserved by the quality of his work. But with Coulter, a hack whose arguments are so transparently weak, why even bother? Even Rush Limbaugh (a man whose arguments carry little intellectual weight, unlike the heft that filled his once-bloated gut) is a respectable ideologue in comparison to her, as he at least holds an undeniably rare talent in oral communications.
Why is anyone even paying attention to this bogus lightweight? The answer, surprisingly, comes from 60's radical Abbie Hoffman. Abbie was fond of ensuring that great looking woman would be at anti-war rallies: his reasoning was if babes were there, even guys who really didn't care about the war would show up just to meet the chicks.
You've gotta hand it to the right wing: they sure know how to follow a successful formula. Ann Coulter was part of the clique of right-wing mouthpieces (backed by think tanks like the Federalist Society) that also happened to be babealicious blondes, a clique that included Laurie Ingraham and the late Barbara Olson. She soon rose to the top of the heap of the bimbo brigade, thanks to her icy looks that made her a regular on both Geraldo Live and Politically Incorrect. Given the absolutely empty content of what she had to say, one can surmise one of two things to explain her regular appearances on both shows:
A) Either she gave really good blowjobs to both Geraldo Rivera and Bill Maher, or
B) She flirted with both Geraldo and Maher enough that they both hoped by continuing to have her prattle on their shows, she would eventually give them a blowjob.
Still, even for Geraldo and Maher, is it really worth it? Granted, she is an attractive woman. Even The Konformist wouldn't be so cruel to not give her that, because, frankly, that's all she's got. But however attractive she is or how good she may be in the sack, is it even worth one second of listening to her crazed, worthless babble?
In many ways, Ann Coulter is perhaps the perfect emblem of the increasing arrogance of the right wing. When someone of the left finds overwhelming success (such as Michael Moore with his bestseller Stupid White Males) you can be damn sure that this is a work of extraordinary craft and humor. But in the case of Coulter, the right wing isn't even trying.
Then again, look at the figurehead for the right wing, and the arrogance is even more obvious. That someone so lacking in intelligence, communication skills, or even personal charm such as Shrub could become the leader of the Republican Party tells you the smug contempt that they hold the American public to. (Incredibly, underscoring this contempt for our intelligence, some conservative commentators even tried to compare Shrub to Winston Churchill in the months following 9-11.) The punchline, of course, is that by turning Coulter's book into a best-seller - not to mention meekly letting the Bush Team swindle an election - the American public has proven the smug contempt is completely 100 percent deserved.
In any case, we salute Ann Coulter as Beast of the Month. Congratulations, and keep up the great work, Annie!!!
Update: In the 8-26-02 New York Observer, the always-clever Coulter was quoted as saying, "My only regret with Timothy McVeigh is he did not go to the New York Times Building."
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