K2K2 - NOW MINT-FLAVORED!!!
*Please note: The McHajj series you are about to read came to me directly via a series of disturbing dreams, dreams which continue to haunt me at present. These dreams, more like interminable nightmares, have resulted from life long exposure to advertising in the relentlessly predatory, capitalistic society that I'm haphazardly posited in. In order to deal with the severe psychological trauma such exposure has caused me, I have translated what my unconscious mind has directly conveyed to me into the story below. It is the only way I know how to cope with the constant trespassing into my psyche by the corporate powers which loom about in a most menacing and merciless fashion. Thank you for understanding my dilemma. BTW: I am currently starting a twelve step support group for those who may believe that they are victims of a similar kind of corporate psychological terrorism. I will provide more information in the near future...if there is one. Thank you!
As the hypo-dimensional New Jersey Pine Barrens anti-hero drowns in his own piss back in the Hollywood fountain, the ad icons take advantage of the moment and slip away from the plight via a sultry Brookhaven wormhole and instantly emerge at the base of Mount Arafat. Ronald McDonald and company join with the travel weary pilgrims and start to climb, hoping to fully reconcile the awful Hollywood experience, shedding themselves of the implicate iniquity of the place. But the Hajj pilgrims are dismayed when they discover that their sacred site has been co-opted by something most unlikely, something never before seen in their time tested, Koran. At the summit, three crosses are silhouetted in the morning light. Hanging on the left cross is the thief George W. Bush. On the right hand cross is the thief Jiang Zemin. The center cross is empty.
"Mr. McDonald....we've been waiting for you." Jiang Zemin says. "Hop aboard."
"I just got done with a Caesarian birth...and now you're asking me to be crucified? How much can a clown take in one day?"
"Do it for your country Ronald." George W. Bush commands.
"What country is that?" Ronald challenges.
"Hush hush...now is your time to step into the Globalization Limelight." Palmolive Madge says and pushes the clown towards the empty cross. "You're going to be the real hero of this war if you do what you are told."
Some Muslim pilgrims, recognizing the portent, prop a ladder against the crucifix. Without any further encouragement the clown climbs up and mounts himself on the cross. His wrists and ankles are expertly lashed to the sturdy fixture and he is left hanging, flanked by his newfound friends. Dr. Mengele appears, riding up Mount Arafat on a Bactrian camel. He pulls out his trusty Auschwitz First Aid Kit, opens it and proceeds to insert intravenous tubes in both Bush's and Zemin's arms. He then runs these tubes into the arms of the clown who barely winces when the catheters are plunged into his waiting veins. In a few minutes, the disparate blood types merge, mix and then spurt through the unhealed Caesarian wound. One by one the pilgrims take turns bathing in the never ending fountain of mixed blood squirting out of the clown's stomach. Ronald McDonald bleats like a Ram going to slaughter, commanding a simultaneous four octave range.
"He can never die for your sins." The Tidy Bowl Man says grimly through a megaphone, pointing at Ronald McDonald with a toilet bowl brush and beckoning more pilgrims to come forth for the mandatory WTO baptism.
"Bet you Hajj Honchos never figured that China was behind the 9-11 attacks." The Tidy Bowl man says in Arabic. "Aren't you a little suspicious that these two 'presidents' are meeting during your little hoe-down on this here mountain?"
"I need to get back to Hollywood." Ronald McDonald interrupts, squirming to get free. "My ragamuffin eggcraft friends are trapped in a perpendicular universe. I'm starting to feel their pain. I can't stand to see any more human rights violations."
"Oh...so our savior is feeling pain?" The Tidy Bowl Man takes a swig of Jack Daniels.
"I'll show you pain." The Tidy Bowl Man points to another set of crosses only fifty yards away. On the right cross is the thief Ariel Sharon. On the left cross is the thief Yassar Arafat. In the middle is the Marlboro Man, lashed into position with his own lasso. Mengele sighs, rides his camel over to the trio and does his deft intravenous wiring. Soon the Marlboro Man is squirting his special blend plasma over eager pilgrims running to the base of his cross and kneeling.
"Who suffers more...the cowboy or the clown?" The Tidy Bowl Man asks.
"There's no mystery over there. So don't read into it Mr. Tidy Bowl Man. You too Dr. Mengele." Ronald yells but is growing weaker from the blood loss.
"Check yourself clown....you're up their hanging for a reason....committing magic acts in public....driving the money launderers out of Mossad headquarters."
"Well, what about the Marlboro Man? Why is he hanging? Crimes against humanity?"
"Let's just say that he's an integral cell body between a very important neuron and dendrite."
"Does that mean that there'll be peace in the Middle East?"
"Never mind your People Magazine questions Bozo. The Marlboro Man is a buffer zone and nothing else. Now die and resurrect will you? The Tidy Bowl Man yells and takes another swig of whiskey. The ratings are all ready plummeting."
Upon cue, the Tyson Foods Corporation Egg Mobile descends from directly above and hovers ominously between the six crosses. As it spins, the egg generates an unearthly light that makes the Ark of the Covenant seem dull in comparison.
"Step right up to the greatest show on earth." The Tidy Bowl Man yells through the megaphone and draws even more pilgrims to the side show as the egg touches down.
"Gather round young and old alike. Time for a bedtime story."
The craft instantly cracks open and reconstituted Delta Force soldiers emerge from this slapdash Trojan Horse and descend upon the pilgrims as if it were D-day all over again, holding them all at bay with their weapons.
George W. Bush starts laughing. Zemin too. A soldier climbs up and pulls the intravenous tubes from their arms and cuts them down. Ronald is left hanging. Sharon and Arafat are cut down too. The Marlboro Man squirms on his cross as Mengele rides circles around him, yee-haa-ing himself into ecstasy as the Massacre of the Innocents takes place.
George, Jiang, Yassar and Ariel hold hands with Palmolive Madge, Dr. Mengele, Mrs. Olsen, The Tidy Bowl Man, forming a giant Love-In circle around the Tyson Egg. They run in the same direction as the egg's spin and absorb themselves into its beneficent light. Soon the global corporate heart chakra opens and universal compassion flows forth in all directions. The central casting characters melt in this universal empathy growing stronger and stronger as the egg rises higher in the sky. An intense, neon pink surrounds the craft. The egg rises even more, overlooking the entire Middle East. Transcending the ever intensifying love emanating from the egg, George W. Bush defies the Axis of Evil and pushes a button located on a secret dashboard. The egg explodes like a Daisy Cutter, decimating pilgrims for miles around, all the way to Mecca, Medina and beyond. The shockwaves of the blast are absorbed by the Ka'Ba where Ronald McDonald once made love to Allah. The blast travels all the way back to Hollywood and a fountain which barely spurts any water at all.
And now....only Ronald McDonald and the Marlboro man are left hanging on the barren hill. Which one will die and rise first? Perhaps only Allah will ever know for sure.
To be continued
Kirby The Konspiracy Boy Says, "I NEED 2 KONFORM!!!"