The Konformist

K2K
August 2000

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ALL ABOUT KLINTON

(C) Marc Spess / Gogue

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In 1996, Congress passed the presidential line-item veto....

President Clinton immediately vetoed "honor and obey" from his wedding vows, and removed three of the Ten Commandments.

 

The Abortion Bill:

President Clinton looks up from his desk in the Oval Office to see one of his aides nervously approach him.

"What is it?" exclaims the President.

"It's this Abortion Bill, Mr. President," the aide replies. "What do you want to do about it?"

"Just go ahead and pay it," responds the President.

 

A demonstration to show support for the President is being organized.

It will be called the Million Mistress March.

 

The latest Clinton dodge: "I didn't impale."

 

The video of Monica Lewinsky and Bill Clinton shown repeatedly on TV actually memorializes a very special moment for them both. It was the first time they had seen each other face-to-face.

 

Dan Quayle, Frank Gifford, and Bill Clinton were in a spelling bee. Unbelievably, Dan Quayle won! He was the only one of the three who knew that "harass" was one word.

 

Why was it difficult for Clinton to fire Monica Lewinsky?

He couldn't give her a pink slip without asking her to try it on first.

 

Bill Clinton ought to be able to serve another term.

I think 10-to-20 would be appropriate.

 

What's the definition of an Arkansas Virgin?

A girl who can run faster than the Governor.

 

Someone asked Bill Clinton what he thought about Rwanda.

He replied, "I never touched her!"

 

What's the difference between the Clinton White House and a brothel?

You have to pay for sex in a brothel.

 

What does Bill Clinton say after sex?

"Hillary, I'll be home in 15 minutes."

 

What would happen if Hillary died?

Bill would become president.

 

What was Clinton's last gift to Monica?

Spot remover.

 

What is Clinton's worst nightmare?

An intern with braces.

 

Did you hear Clinton is declaring a new National Bird?

The Spread Eagle.

 

What's Bill Clinton's favorite brand of potato chips?

Lays.

 

What did Clinton say when Paula Jones went public with her story?

"NOW she decides to open her mouth!"

 

What did Clinton say when asked if he had used protection?

"Sure, there was a guard standing right outside the door."

 

What does Clinton say to interns as they leave his office"

Don't hit your head on the desk.

 

Last, but not least...

 

President Clinton will always be remembered as:

The president after Bush.

 

Hillary's New Parrot

Hillary Clinton went into a pet shop and found a beautiful, colorful parrot. "Does this parrot talk?" she asked.

"Yes, he does," the manager told her.

"But why is this one only $50 and all the others are $500?", she asked.

"Well, ma'am," the manager told her, "not everyone would want to own this parrot. He spent many years in a whore house and his language is terrible."

"Well, I want him," she said.

"Suit yourself," the manager shrugged.

When she got the parrot back to the White House, she uncovered his cage and admired the colorful bird. The parrot tilted his head to one side, looked her straight in the eye and said, "New house, new madam."

Hilary laughed.

Soon Chelsea and a friend came in and began admiring the bird.

"New house, new whores," the parrot observed.

At first they were offended, but when Hilary explained about the bird's history, Chelsea, too, laughed at him.

A few minutes later the President entered the living quarters.

The parrot looked up from his feeder and said "Hi, Bill!"

 

One of the nation's largest soup manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking America's shelves this week with their newest Soup creation, "Clinton Soup", that will honor one of the nation's most distinguished men.

It consists primarily of a small weenie in hot water.

 

Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill Clinton.

The Dodge Drafter will begin production in Canada this year.

 

When Clinton was asked what he thought about foreign affairs, he replied:

"I don't know, I never had one."

 

If you came across Bill Clinton struggling in a raging river and you had a choice between rescuing him or getting a Pulitzer Prize-winning photograph.... what shutter speed would you use?

 

Chelsea asked her dad, "Do all fairy tales begin with once upon a time?"

Bill Clinton replied, "No, some begin with 'After I'm elected'."

 

Clinton's mother prayed fervently that Bill would grow up and be president.

So far, half of her prayer has been answered.

 

American Indians have nicknamed Bill Clinton as "Walking Eagle" because he is so full of crap he can't fly.

 

Clinton only lacks three things to become one of America's finest leaders:

integrity, vision, and wisdom.

 

Clinton is doing the work of three men: Larry, Curly, and Moe.

 

Revised judicial oath: "I solemnly swear to tell the truth as I know it, the whole truth as I believe it to be, and nothing but what I think you need to know."

 

New Oscar Meyer song:

His baloney has a first name,

It's "I-did-not-inhale."

His baloney has a second name,

"I-wasn't-getting-tail."

Oh, He loves to sling it every day....

The White House people all just saaaaaaaay....

That Billy Clinton has-a-way

Of mak-ing bullshit sound o-kay

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

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