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September 2000

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Cheney: "I'm No Donkey Dick"


Thursday, September 14, 2000

MARIETTA, Ohio - GOP Vice-Presidential nominee Dick Cheney, in a surprise move, became the first public figure to respond to underground allegations made of involvement in sexual misconduct with mind-controlled CIA slaves.

The allegations were made by Cathy O'Brien in her autobiography Trance Formation of America, an extremely popular work within certain quarters of the conspiracy buff culture. In the book, O'Brien discussed her supposed abuse by a who's who list of powerful political officials and entertainment figures which she ties to Satanism and the Central Intelligence Agency.

One of her more vivid tales involves Mr. Cheney himself, while he was Chief of Staff for President Gerald Ford. Cathy described Cheney's participation in human hunts inspired by the classic Richard Connell short story, "The Most Dangerous Game." According to O'Brien, Cheney would hunt CIA sex slaves, which included herself, on private property. When he would catch his prey, he would sexually violate the victims as celebration.

O'Brien also claimed that Cheney had an "unusually large penis."

Asked about the tales after a student address in Willoughby, Ohio, Cheney was surprisingly straightforward. "Yes, I am fully aware of the allegations," he stated.

Then, in a surprise move, Cheney directly addressed the charges. "Normally, I do not discuss fringe accusations made by conspiracy nuts and others who endorse strange beliefs, but the spurious claims made by Cathy O'Brien are so appalling, I must directly confront them. I can state for a fact that her personal claims against me are completely unfounded. I can prove it too."

When asked how he could prove it, Cheney replied, "Her claims of my impressive dick size are absolute bullshit."

He then added to the stunned press assembled, "The truth is, I have only an average-sized penis, and that's even on the rare occasion I can get it up. I wouldn't even be surprised if that fucking Jew Lieberman has a bigger schlong than myself."

Cheney would insist that his average-sized penis was quite helpful to his political career. "My lack of a large penis has been quite beneficial to me personally. If I had a larger, more girthful cock, I wouldn't have been as effective of a leader for the Pentagon during the Gulf War. Come to think of it, I probably wouldn't have even gotten into politics in the first place if I had a huge dick. My penis envy has inspired me to do many important acts as compensation, including the bombings ordered on those camel jockeys in Iraq."

Cheney grinned, then added, "Serves them right. I hear those sand-niggers are hung like horses."

When asked about O'Brien's allegation that former President George Bush - the father of the current GOP nominee who appointed Cheney as Secretary of Defense - once tried to talk Cheney into experimenting with pedophilia, he replied, "Ummm... no comment." Cheney abruptly left the assembled press and answered no further questions.

Lynne Cheney, the wife of the VP nominee, was in Washington criticizing the Hollywood entertainment industry before Congress. When informed of her husband's statements, Mrs. Cheney chuckled, then said, "If anything, he's exaggerating his dick size." Mrs. Cheney described her husband's penis as being "pathetically small." She added, "It's a putdown I like to use when we have arguments."

The Gore campaign has yet to respond to Cheney's statements.


Read more about the lurid CIA sex tales in "Uncle Ronnie's Sex Slaves," by Robert Sterling, editor of the online magazine The Konformist. The article appears in the mammoth new Feral House collection Apocalypse Culture II, edited by Adam Parfrey.

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